Midwest Product

Joe Klein Klassics (a Kompendium)

2007-06-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Atrios, I thought I'd take the time to round up every Friedman unit (or equivalent) that belongs to Joe Klein. I've limited myself to his regular print column in Time, so there are probably more out there than this, but I think the point is well enough illustrated. Updates as I continue to find items.

June, 2007:
It is, indeed, a moment of truth in Iraq. "This is a decisive phase," a member of Petraeus' staff told me and began to laugh. "That's one of our favorite jokes. It's always a decisive phase. But this time, I guess you'd have to say, it actually is."

June, 2006:
If Baghdad isn't stabilized, the war is lost. "I know it's the cliche of the war," an Army counterinsurgency specialist told me last week. "But we'll know in the next six months—and this time, it'll be the last next six months we get."

October, 2005
Iraq's fate--well, the U.S.'s fate in Iraq--will be decided in the next six months. There are few optimists left in the Congress, intelligence community or U.S. military. But the Bush Administration harbors a gossamer strand of hope that the Dec. 15 election will finally produce a strong Iraqi government, a real coalition of Shi'ites, Sunnis and Kurds.

Apparently this is now a photoblog...

2007-03-17T19:06:00.000-05:00

Taken at the (soon to be torn down) white elevators of the old Pillsbury A Mill. Woot, or something...

More of the Cat

2007-03-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

(because I've got nothin')

Catblog Noir

2007-02-12T11:40:00.000-06:00

Same cat, more interesting imagery...

Tucker Carlson is a Moron

2007-02-08T15:14:00.000-06:00

Not that it's really news to anyone. Let us pretend for a moment that this guy really is the 'state climatologist' (he isn't; the position hasn't existed for almost two decades). Let us further pretend that he really is a trained climatologist (he's not; he's a meteorologist with no Ph.D). And finally, let us also pretend that he really is going to get fired (he won't be; he'll merely lose the 'right' to call himself by the title of 'state climatologist' -- a title which again he does not actually hold). Even if all of those pretend conditions were met, the Oregon Governor's actions would still be entirely appropriate.

Consider the exact same pretend scenario for a different scholarly discipline, say, mathematics. The consensus view of the mathematical community is that 2+2=4. If the Governor decides to fire the state mathematician because he keeps insisting that 2+2=96.354196, the Governor is doing the right thing. Now take that scenario and make it match up with the reality of Oregon's current situation -- in that case, there would be a crackpot sociology professor at a state university running around screaming 2+2=96.354196 and calling himself 'state mathematician' even though no such title existed. Would Tucker Carlson and Co. be horrified in that case if the Governor asked Professor Wackjob to not use a fake title anymore? Actually, as Tucker Carlson and Co. are a bunch of fucking dunces, I suppose the answer would be yes.

Dumbest Talking Point Ever?

2007-02-07T09:26:00.000-06:00

"We're cramming two days of work into five days" -- Mike Simpson (R-Idiot)

"We squeeze three days' work into five days." -- Trent Franks (R-Asinine)

At least local nutjob Michelle Bachmann manages not to mix the metaphor: "We're stretching three-day weeks into five days." This is insanity. If there is indeed a problem here, it's that Congress isn't getting enough done. If they're only accomplishing three days of work per week they should be INCREASING THE GODDAMN WORKLOAD, not shortening the schedule to match their laziness.

Am I expected to feel sorry for Wayne Gilchrist? Am I supposed to be concerned that a five day work week is just too much for these poor souls? Congress shouldn't be working five days a week -- they should be working seven days a week. Hell, eight days a week.

Ted Haggard & Leftie Values Projection

2007-02-06T12:01:00.000-06:00

It was announced with some fanfare today that Ted Haggard (the fundie preacher man last seen in a Colorado hotel room, higher than Jesus and taking it in the back door from his gay hooker/dealer) has, after three weeks of intense therapy, been officially cured of gayness. Responses from the left have been (unsurprisingly) skeptical, but I think that many critics of this process are guilty of a misunderstanding of how homosexuality is perceived among religious circles. Essentially, I think that most people on the left who are mocking and/or lamenting the degayification* process are projecting their own understanding of gayness onto the hard-line Christians, contributing to the disconnect between the two sides.

For most of us, a gay man is defined by his desires to have sex with other men. It is, with this understanding, entirely possible even for a virgin to be gay. Likewise, a man who forces himself to have sex with a woman (Dan Savage claims to have done so successfully, apparently by thinking about giant cocks the whole time) is still, to us, gay. Because it is what we believe, there is a strong temptation to assume that this is what everyone believes. It is not. To a radical Christian, I suspect that both our hypothetical virgin and our closet-case actually qualify as straight. By their logic, someone like Ted Haggard isn't gay at all -- he doesn't want to be gay, he says he's not gay, therefore he's not gay. The discrepancy between the viewpoint of the left and right is not a case of logic versus illogic, it is a matter of the definition of terms. To the JF crowd, only the man who unashamedly has sex with other men is gay. Introduce shame into the equation, and -- Presto! -- you have a straight man once again.

Ordinarily this might not be so very problematic, except that in this case many leftie commentators are essentially accusing the degayifiers* of outright lying. This is unfair; the 'therapists' in question are (I think) speaking perfectly honestly when they say that Ted Haggard isn't gay anymore. It's what they believe, and they're proud of it. The word 'gay' just means something different to them than it does to ordinary people. I in no way wish to apologize for the ridiculousness of their sham 'treatment' of the man, but in order to address what they are doing, it's worth actually understanding what they mean.

* I'm certain that degayify is a word, and no doubt its absence from the dictionary is a mere oversight. It'll be in the next edition of Webster's for sure.

Non-sequitur: Jugular Vein Superglue edition

2007-02-05T09:26:00.000-06:00

I am the freaking MacGyver of rodent surgical procedures.

The Entire City of Boston Should be Euthanized

2007-02-01T12:36:00.000-06:00

Money quote: "If they can’t tell the difference between a bomb and a Lite-Brite giving the finger, then we’re all screwed."

Seriously, this wasn't a problem in NYC -- a city which has actually experienced terrorism. There were nine other cities that didn't freak out over the appearance of Mooninites on billboards. WTF, Boston? I guess the BPD doesn't have a lot of Harvard or MIT grads on staff.

Yeah, Good Luck With That

2007-01-30T15:06:00.000-06:00

Mark Kleiman has an article in the American Interest seeking to inject some sanity into the War on Drugs. Uh, right, that'll happen. Apparently, Mr. Kleiman has forgotten the basic lesson that DRUGS ARE BAD, MMMKAY. It is charmingly naive to assume (or incredibly ludicrous to pretend) that drug warriors have any interest in a responsible, well-reasoned policy debate. Eleven years ago, the frigging National Review wrote this exact same article. Literally. Yeah, drug use usually isn't problematic. Addiction is the problem, and illegality doesn't address it. We're wasting money and making things worse. Everybody who has spent ten minutes researching drugs (or doing them) knows all of this already. The people advocating continued illegality for drugs know it. Kleiman's article is just another piece of the Drug War kabuki, as it pretends that the people perpetuating the War on Drugs want a logical debate and that they care deeply about the greater good -- "Oh Lawwdy, the bad drugs is hurtin' the childrens! We only doing this 'cuz we wants to help the childrens!" Bullshit. The War on Drugs is not now and has never been about helping people with a drug problem, nor about helping those who are hurt by people with a drug problem. I think we are well beyond the time when it became important to acknowledge this basic fact.

RIP, Rat #2431

2007-01-30T11:11:00.000-06:00

I killed one of my research animals during surgery this morning. Sorry little guy, but I hear that in rat heaven they bait the levers with frosting every day. Also, the cages are bigger.

A Guide to Web Marketing for Condo Developments in the Twin Cities...

2007-01-29T14:45:00.000-06:00

...based on the example of the current major projects in Minneapolis and St. Paul. For the purposes of brevity in the references, each example will be accorded the following letter:
A - The Nicollet
B - The Sexton II
C - The Carlyle
D - Skyscape
E - The IVY
F - The Penfield
G - Two Twenty Two
H - East Bank Mills

Obviously, the major goal we have in mind here is to make the visitor's experience of the website as painful and frustrating as possible. The internet provides an excellent tool for the dissemination of useful information, and your number one goal is to undercut this potential to the best of your abilities. Here are some pointers to get you started:

-Never, ever update your website [A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H]. To mix things up, you could try starting a blog and never update it [A], or you can have a 'press' section and never update it [F], or perhaps a little page dedicated to current events and never update that [B,D]. Lots of strategies can work, just be sure that repeat visits to your site will not yield the reader any new information.

-Make sure it is very difficult to obtain contact information for your development. Ideally, the visitor should be forced to provide you with private and personal information before they can obtain anything so simple as an email address [B,C,D,E,F,G,H]. Be sure that there is no privacy guarantee attached to this personal information, so that anybody who is curious about the project will be afraid to sign up for fear of having their information sold to marketers. Also, try to have lots of fields to fill in.

-If at all possible, try to include some pop-up windows into the site [B,C]. Everybody loves pop-ups!

-Try to go as long as possible without providing any images of what the development will look like when completed. Once you have been forced to display images, it's a good idea to use outdated renderings that have been rejected and that are in no way indicative of the current design [B,G]. If you absolutely must use a current design, at least be sure that you don't show viewers all sides of the project [A,C,D,E,F,H]. Nothing makes people want to buy into about a project like a having the look of several of the elevations be a complete mystery until the project is finished. Also, try to make the images as small as possible [E,G,H].

-Once construction is underway, you might feel some urge to post photos of the project. Resist this urge if you can [D], but at the very least make sure that the photos are out of date [C,E]. No webcams!

-Make sure the wording of your project description is embarrassingly hyperbolic. Tell people your cheap-looking concrete slab "is the perfect balance of form and function [D]." Make sure the readers are painfully aware that you consider them to be a complete idiot. Another choice example: "You are the entrepreneurs of today and the headline makers of tomorrow. You know that 'dot.com' is no longer inextricably linked to the word 'bubble.' You are cool, cosmopolitan, connected. You embrace the heartbeat of the city and you cherish its diversity. Your living space is as genuine and innovative as your lifestyle [B]." Perfect! Try to use this kind of mixture of condescension and cluelessness.

-Finally, the last thing you would ever want is for potential buyers to advocate for your project on your behalf. Is there a City Council or Zoning Commission meeting planned that will decide the fate of your project? Shhh! Don't announce it! Was there a meeting just recently that resulted in serious changes to the site plan? Don't tell anyone about that, either [B,F,G,H]. Remember, your potential buyers are obviously morons who don't care about the democratic process! Of course, as long as you aren't updating the site as recommended above, none of this will be an issue. Good luck marketing your project in the Twin Cities!

Taylor Marsh is now officially my favorite blogger

2007-01-24T15:16:00.000-06:00

Why, you ask rhetorically? This is why. I left some unsolicited wise-assed advice in the comments to one of her posts the other day, and she totally took it. But don't take my word for it, head on over there and see for yourself. So, I have now officially participated in ~~the lowering of~~ our national political discourse. Sweeeeeet.

Also, it will probably not be two months between posts next time. Not that I have anything worthwhile to say, just that I feel more like talking to myself (in a venue that is not the inside of my head) than I have for a while.

Non-sequitur

2006-10-10T20:07:00.000-05:00

I hereby declare that I am the first person* to publicly refer to Intelligent Design as Creationism's "retarded kid brother," and that as such, I am entitled to royalties for any and all future uses of that turn of phrase by other persons.

*Not ONLY did I try a Google search for "'retarded kid brother' + 'intelligent design'," only to come up empty, but I ALSO tried with the search term "'retarded little brother' + 'intelligent design'." So there.

Non-sequitur

2006-10-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

Baby Jesus hates the Yankees.

We're winning

2006-10-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

Thirteen U.S. soldiers have been killed in Baghdad since Monday, the American military reported, registering the highest three-day death toll for U.S. forces in the capital since the start of the war.

Oops, maybe we're not.

Back, Bad, Giving You Something That You Never Had

2006-10-04T22:41:00.000-05:00

Actually, that's a lie: I'm giving you a few "next blog" button items, like always. But first, an actual post, kinda sorta.

I've been engaged in a (for me, anyway) maddening discussion over at Minnescraper concerning the weird nexus between evangelical Christianity and the Republican party, which has segued into a discussion of the rapidly expanding Foley scandal. To me, the obviously immoral (not just amoral, immoral) behavior of the entire Republican leadership immediately disqualifies them from any claim to Christianity (note here that I myself am by no means a Christian). But the fundies seem not to care, saying they'll vote for the Republicans anyway. Why? Why would they want to vote for a party that chooses for its leadership those who would protect someone like Mark Foley? While I don't think the sexual proclivities of Foley himself are indicative of larger trends in the party, it seems appallingly obvious that the leadership's hypocrisy is very much an indication that the whole of the GOP is rotten. When the #1 and #2 congressional Republicans (Hastert & Boehner), plus the head of the NRCC (Reynolds), plus the chair of the page board (Shimkus), plus at least two more congressmen (Foley himself and Rodney Alexander) have actively, repeatedly lied to the public, there should not be anybody - anybody - capable of supporting them, least of all Christians for whom integrity ought to be of paramount importance. Grrrr!

In the meantime, the rest of the world seems to have gone completely to shit. Bob Woodward's latest ~~effort to cash in on decades-old Watergate street credit~~ book is a complete contradiction of his previous work, but since that means it is (finally) anti- stupid-war-we-never-should've-fought, it at least is not being used as cover by the Bush Administration. New(ish) items from Woodward's tome seem to indicate that, among other things, Condoleeza Rice lied directly to the 9/11 commission. And, at the same time, some assholes have decided that there aren't enough dead girls yet, so hey, why not go shoot some more at the local school or college? And some local kids are getting school cancelled by calling in prank threats of more shootings. And Iran is enriching Uranium. And North Korea is going to test a nuclear device. And the Dow has made it back to the same level it was 6 years ago (meaning that investing in those companies would have been the equivalent of burying your money in a goddamned hole in the ground) so everyone is going completely fucking crazy about our "awesome" economy. Holy shit! The Dow is worth the same point value it was six years ago! Break out the champagne, because it's only 2,000 points shy of the value in real terms that it was the last time it was worth this many points! Meanwhile, bombings in Baghdad are at record highs, and health care costs are outsripping wage growth, and torture is now apparently A-Ok as long as it's being done to the ~~brown people~~ evildoers, and Judge Taylor's ruling against the warrantless wiretap program has been stayed, and the Senate Majority Leader is saying we should bring back the Taliban in Afghanistan, and the Kazahks are taking out ads in the New York Times, and on and on with the ridiculousness everywhere. And on top of all this, the Twins are losing to the freaking A's. The A's!

I swear, this is the first time in ages I feel like I need to do some drugs so as to make the world seem less surreal.

And now, to calm my nerves and cleanse my suddenly foul mouth, I give you the promised "next blog" links:
-Chocolate is the Root of All that is Pure.
-Do you like randomly collected statistics? How about Venn Diagrams involving Nature and Nurture? If so, this is for you.
-I am so insanely jealous of the handle Ampersand Duck that it's not even funny.
-The bridge problem is killing me. 18 minutes?

So much for Friday night...

2006-09-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

As my car apparently got towed this afternoon, I will not be going out on the town tonight (I could, of course, walk someplace, but that would likely involve spending the money I will need to get my car back). So with nothing better to do, I went back to that old stand-by, the Next Blog button. Here are some of my finds, for your viewing pleasure:

-Everything you never wanted to know about Cell Biology.

-Always remember: "women are needed in the orbiting space colonies."

-In case you're too lazy to play a MMORPG, but still want to follow one. With plenty of screencaps.

-Man, that is one f-ed up bunny. Please donate now.

-Don't worry, he's an Anti-Communist.

Catblogging

2006-09-01T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm back, and giving you just what you always wanted: a picture of a cat. I know, I know, try to contain your excitement.

Hiatus

2006-08-06T16:45:00.000-05:00

As you, my (probably imaginary) reader have already noticed, I have been busy not posting for the past couple of weeks. This will no doubt continue as I settle into a new home and job in a new city. But fear not, for eventually I will return with more pithy comments and random argumentative statements.

Gainful Employment

2006-07-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

Your ~~useless~~ intrepid author has just taken a new job with the Minneapolis Medical Research Foundation. Too bad the University Ave. light rail line won't be ready for years yet, a $1.50 train ride would definitely beat $10.00/day minimum for parking. But hey, at least it's a job.

More Finds

2006-07-19T01:26:00.000-05:00

Thanks again, "Next Blog" button.

Word salad.

I speak absolutely no French, but this is a phenomenal photo.

Legit, but a niche market methinks.

Fantastic snark.

More great pictures.

This photo reminds me a lot of FOUND magazine.

Non-sequitur

2006-07-19T01:21:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton + Talent - STDs = Lily Allen

Non-sequitur

2006-07-17T17:29:00.000-05:00

Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, and Waylon Jennings shouldn't have called themselves the Highway Men, they should've called themselves the Justice League.

New Feature

2006-07-17T15:33:00.000-05:00

Via this blog (found using the "Next Blog" button, of course) I discovered the best terror alert advisory EVER. If this is how Tom Ridge et al had presented it when the color-coded alerts were unveiled no one would've questioned the system. So if you ever need to know the US' terror alert level, just check Midwest Product's sidebar.

The same blog entry also alerted me to the fact that Nabisco's video game programmers are seriously twisted.

Updated - Speaking of Bert & Ernie, those who haven't seen it should check this out. God I hope my new job doesn't have internet filters, I don't know what I would do without time-killers like this.

Whereupon I Pretend to be Roger Ebert

2006-07-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

Went to see ~~Al Gore's Campaign Commercial~~ An Inconvenient Truth last night. I'm glad I went, although I have some mixed feelings about the film as a whole. I was concerned going in that it was going to be the equivalent of a Michael Moore picture, full of sanctimony and disingenuous use of information, but happily this is not the case. While the film is very much about its creator, it is NOT about its creator's self-righteousness a la Mr. Moore.

Mr. Gore's dry sense of humor helps to lighten the tone somewhat (fans of Futurama will also appreciate the "None Like it Hot" segment taken from that show), and there are a couple of really convincing arguments advanced. Probably the most important point the film makes is that there is no meaningful "debate" in the scientific community; towards the end of the picture Mr. Gore contrasts the 0% of peer-reviewed articles over the past decade that question the reality of global warming and the 53% of mass-media stories suggesting there is no consensus. Also quite effective is the blindingly obvious correlation between world-historical carbon dioxide levels and global temperature (see chart, source here), and the implied end-result of the massive, unprecedented spike in CO₂ levels we are currently seeing.

Unfortunately, I think ultimately the film really only speaks to those who already appreciate the preponderance of evidence for global warming and its connection to human activity. I was impressed by the crowd at the showing (25-30 on a Sunday night), but if books may be judged by their covers, it appeared that at least in this case Mr. Gore was preaching to the converted. There are also a few ineffective parts of the film, most notably the continued emphasis on saving exotic animal species. I don't think any climate skeptics really give a damn about polar bears or tropical birds, and will point to these segments as indications that Mr. Gore cares more about animals than people.

On a final note, I really do wonder whether Mr. Gore will end up tossing his hat in the ring in 2008. It's sad, but unfortunately I think a lot of his newfound credibility comes from his departure from American politics; I fear that if he returns as a candidate people will automatically reject his environmental appeals out of hand.

Non-sequitur

2006-07-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

Popsicles are easily the most phallic, sexually suggestive dessert treat imaginable.

Some Initial Thoughts on MN, Seven Years Later...

2006-07-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

As noted below, I've just returned to St. Paul from 7 years in Kalamazoo, MI. I've not even been back a week, so I can hardly comment on the current status of the Twin Cities in any sort of comprehensive fashion, but I have a few observations of changes and/or things I hadn't noticed before I moved.

-Construction-wise, St. Paul has really stagnated by comparison to Minneapolis. Since I left in 1999, there are no significant new towers in downtown St. Paul, while there are a number of completed new office and condo towers in Minneapolis, and a whole slew of new condo towers under construction. St. Paul has no current construction, and only one condo tower proposed, plus the (probably never going to happen) Bridges of St. Paul project. More on this later when I can get some photos and links put together.

-Tangentially related, the finally-approved LRT line connecting the two downtowns is long overdue, and is desperately needed. Traffic is awful both ways on 94, worse even than it was a decade ago, so both cities will benefit. But for St. Paul especially, this is a potential economic lifeline; with a massive budget deficit and stagnant growth, this will be huge.

-Everyone here is white. And blonde. Not that Kalamazoo is a bastion of racial diversity, but seriously, I went to the Twins game on Friday, and I was overwhelmed by the homogeneity of our population. Not that I'm not a part of that; your author is himself a pasty white blonde.

Thank you, "Next Blog" button!

2006-07-15T23:05:00.000-05:00

Wow, I am totally digging the "next blog" button provided (forced on us, really) by blogger. It will direct you to a random blog registered to the blogspot community, and I have found some real doozies. There are, of course, some that are similar to mine (many with all posts having 0 Comments, for instance), and there are some in foreign languages, and then there are some that are just totally inexplicable and/or awesomely bad - behold:

...and this blog is their shrine.

Why? Why will she be watching over me?

Not sure if he hates the Irish, or if he just hates good grammar... (It makes me sad that he's a Minnesotan; must be a transplant)

The title says it all.

"...a guided journey of my fiber arts expeditions."

Picture Test

2006-07-15T22:04:00.000-05:00

If I'm going to do any catblogging as ~~threatened~~ promised, I'm going to have to make sure I can post photos. So if you see a picture of the crowns of the Wells Fargo building and 225 South Sixth, all went as planned. If not, well, then you'll appreciate the motivation behind tomorrow's string of deadly shootings at the blogger.com offices.

Non-sequitur

2006-07-15T21:48:00.000-05:00

Every blog needs a gimmick, or so the voices in my head tell me, so here is Midwest Product's: an occasional emphatic statement about a specific item or issue with no relation to previous entries, stated succinctly and without explanation or justification. But wait, I hear my zero readers saying in chorus, can't every entry in an unfocused blog like this be considered a non-sequitur? To which I reply: I don't know, and I don't care. In any case, today's entry follows...

The new Battlestar Galactica: it makes Star Trek look like the old Battlestar Galactica.

Look at me, I started a blog!

2006-07-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

So yeah, having just returned to Minnesota from a seven year stint in Michigan, I've decided to commemorate the occasion with the foundation of this ~~ridiculous exercise in hubris and egotism~~ weblog. And just what will I be writing about? I'm glad you asked, non-existent reader of this entry (note: if through some mistake, perhaps due to that nifty "next blog" button, you are actually reading this, fear not: not only are you not non-existent, but you have also validated my own existence, and for that I thank you). I would imagine that most of my posting will be Minnesota-centric, with occasional forays into the national political and music scenes, some light catblogging, and perhaps a few updates on my own life (see first sentence) to appease those few among my friends and family who I tell about this little ~~page viewable from anywhere in the world~~ secret.

Microphone Check 1-2 1-2

2006-07-15T18:17:00.000-05:00

Is this thing on?